Twistedcolours

We’re all growing up aren’t we? We just don’t notice it. Its funny, looking back at the last couple of years, just looking at how everyone’s changed. How I’ve changed too. Its inevitable, and I’m not sure if I like it very much.

I don’t know whats wrong with me, I always seem to dissatisfied with something :/

Going shopping with mum tomorrow, its not going to be pleasant. Doesn’t look like I’ll be going to that party tomorrow night either. Monday and Tuesday is definitely happening though (I hope), then graduation on Wednesday.

I don’t know what to wear to graduation. I was thinking of getting a nice semi formal blouse kinda thing, with a black high waisted skirt? But my ever supportive mum doesn’t think a high waisted skirt would suit me, shes probably right though. I want to get another pair of heels too, strappy ones with a skinny heel? But my mum is so GAY. Guh!

Also, I’m sorting out photos to upload and blog about, so all of that will be coming up soon I hope, next week sounds pretty packed, but I’ll find time, I’m sure.

Till then
-soph

So I’m FINALLY FINALLY done with high school (officially), like a year later than everyone else back in Brunei finished. I’d say exams went terribly, I’m not joking. I really should have studied more, but I found it incredibly difficult to study, especially for the last two exams because I was soooo close to the end. I couldn’t help but think ahead and plan things, in my head.

But now that exams really are done, I’m sitting here listening to old music and ripping my hair out with boredom. I’ve grown so accustomed to studying and doing homework that I don’t know what to do with myself anymore.

Before exams started, I made a list (again, in my head) of all the things I wanted to do after exams, all the tv shows I wanted to catch up on and movies I wanted to watch. I wanted to learn to drive, right away, I want to read all the books that I bought from my trip to Malaysia last year (LAST YEAR!), I want to lose a lot of weight, I want to give myself a make over; get new clothes, shoes, hair-do, I want to be more womanly, I want to turn over a new leaf, start fresh for uni. I keep telling myself, I’m an adult now, I’m done with high school. I’m my own responsibility now.

So I told myself, okay, if I want to take care of myself now, I’m going to need money (as you do if you want to do ANYTHING at all in this country, or anywhere else for that matter). And to get money, I need a job. So I hopped on Mozilla Firefox, and on to seek.com. with every intention of finding good paying job to occupy myself over the Christmas holidays and perhaps until uni starts (thats if I do get into uni >_> with the way the exams went, I somehow doubt that).

BUT ZOMGOSIKHDSFKHNFKJ. I can’t even write up a proper resume. I’m useless outside the academic world, and I FUCKING HATE THAT. Ok, lets see, resume; experiences: nil, academic achievements: (not trying to be cocky at all, because trust me, its not that great. Plus, these ‘achievements’ stopped short after the start of year 12) can go on for about a page. Ok sure, that sounds great an everything, but how exactly is that going to help me get a job?

I hate the fact that I’m so INEXPERIENCED. I know I’ve blogged about this a couple of times before, but I cannot stress enough my frustration at being nothing but a speck of.. of.. nothingness in the wide wide world that lies outside school. And now that I’m done with school (not officially because the graduation ceremony is only on the 18th ), I can’t help but SHIT MYSELF at the prospect of stepping outside my comfort and zone and gaining a little independence.

I mean, its not that I don’t want this independence, you have no idea how much I crave it. I detest my parents, and how they don’t trust me. I mean yes, I want to party, I want to get drunk, I want to hook up with someone at a party, I want to perhaps experiment with substances? I don’t know, it all comes down to that word again: experience. I actually do feel regret at not having ‘done’ enough throughout high school. But yes, my point (gosh, getting carried away) is that I want to go out and try new things, I want to be rebellious for once.

But even this I am afraid to do, I’m afraid to be rebellious, because there is that possibily of losing all control. I’m a worrier, paranoia is my best friend.

I don’t really know where I’m getting at with this LOL. Just needed to get that off my chest I suppose.

I got into an argument with my mum today. She offered to ask around in Freo for any job openings, and I shut her down, I was like NOOOO! I mean, would you employ someone who’s MOTHER came and asked “Oh hi, can my daughter work here? 8)” So yeah, and she got pissed off because I was ‘being unappreciative”.

Gosh, I want to move out so badly that its not funny. But I know I can’t survive on my own.

THIS IS FUCKING SHIT. I’ve got nothing to do tomorrow. I’m going to spend all day at home, probably clean around for a bit. And maybe read a book. Fark, great way to celebrate end of the biggest exam I’ve ever sat in my life.

On a lighter note NEW MOON IS OUT SOOOON. And no, I haven’t booked tickets So I’ll probably be able to watch it only about a week or two after its released because the cinemas would be jam packed for days on end.

UMMMMMMMMMMMM. I’ll upload photos soon (: Its just that my brother took the other computer with him, and I probably won’t be getting it back anytime soon. And this computer (my dad’s) is pretty gay, none of my photos are on here, neither is sims 2 (((((((((((((((((((((((((((

Sigh. I want to be

Wow, I actually don’t know. I was going to whine and whinge about how I’m not this or not that (like I have done so numerous times in the post so far). But I actually stopped typing after ‘be’. I need to shut the fuck up and appreciate what I have.

WTF IS WRONG WITH ME. Why aren’t I happy with the life I have now? Why do I always want more? I mean, I’m educated, I have food to eat, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, a whole and loving family, the best mates I could ever ask for. I need to shut up and enjoy life

End of exams, end of high school, beginning of adulthood and hopefully independence. Lets make the next 10+ years of my life good yeah?

-soph

So I got myself a new camera, so you guys should be expecting plenty of photos in the upcoming months!

HOWEVER, I just finished my mocks, and my REAL exams are in approximately 18 days. That is why I am not going to have a full on proper blog post although there has a been a few things going on, and there will be a few things coming up over the next couple of weeks (RIVER CRUISE! AND GRADUATION ASSEMBLY! AND LAST WEEK OF SCHOOL PRETTY MUCH, so there will be plentyyy of camwhoring).

So heres just a couple of start off. More will come after exams, or after river cruise? Maybe, depends

One of my most favourite people ever (:

At maccasss.

Nessa’s friends LOL. KTV for Nessa and Steph’s birthday (:

Just like old times hey? Sorry you got cut out Devin ><

Also one of my most favourite people ever.

Thats all for now I guess >< Sorry I’ve totally abandoned this blog. I’ll be back soon! Promise.

-soph

I know I said I’d delete everything, and I SWEAR TO GOD I really did delete everything! I deleted my entire msn account, and I wasn’t near the computer for like two weeks (except to go on tumblr every now and then). Then I was like, hm, lets try signing into Facebook, just to see if it still works, and LO BEHOLD, it worked!

So I was like, okayyy wtf, lets try msn then. ZOMG, msn worked too! So it turns out that I’ve only deactivated my account, and not actually permanently deleted it. Because it takes 270 days for an account to be permanently deleted, and its less than 270 days to the TEE, so I was like MEH SCREW THIS

Zomgosh, I know my grammar and punctuation and all that was terrible in the above two paragraphs, but I’ve been feeling really ‘meh’ about everything lately. I don’t know why.

So heres whats been going on:

- I’ve learned that some people just aren’t meant to mix. I suppose this is why every year group is separated into little cliques and shiz like that. Some people just aren’t meant to mix. I’m sorry I tried.

- I’ve learned that men/boys can be insensitive dicks. But then again, I suppose I’ve known this for a while, I just never learnt my lesson.

- I’ve learned that I will never stop getting friggin pimples, cause it runs in the family. My dad has potholes on his face, I’ll have craters on mine by the time I’m 20.

- I’ve learned that I will not be able to decide which subject I’m having as my fourth subject for my top four: Calculus or Physics. It sucks because when I’m doing well in physics, I get shit results in calc. And when I’m doing well in calc, I do shit in physics. *dilemma*

- I’ve learned that I absolutely despise english, the subject.

- I’ve learned that I absolutely despise children, they smell like poo. I hate having walk down to the day care centre every week, its torture, it really is. The first time was good, but the last two trips have been a total drag X_X

- I’ve learned that having boys around the group can really change things :/

- I’ve learned that some people have the ability of annoying me to the point of wanting to set their faces on fire. KDHKFHSRKJDFJH _l_

- I’ve learned that I need to read uni booklets with more detail. I applied for Curtin, with Bachelor of Pharmacy as my first preference. My preference as been recorded and put under consideration, HOWEVER, I just realised that the required TER for Pharmacy is 95. Thats just one mark below what I needed for Medicine >_>. Oh and yeah, I’m still going for med, but in 2011 – long story ):

- I’ve learned that I need a chiropractor, my back drives me crazy.

- I’ve learned that I need to eat less, and study more.

- I’ve learned that my mocks are in TWO WEEKS KSDFHBKFSHDKHKISHKJDF.

- I’ve learned that no matter how close you are to a friend, you’ll lose this friend. There is no such thing as “friends forever”, or at least I think so. You are, and always will be alone in life. No friend or family member will ever be 100% honest with you, will open up to you completely, or will accept you completely. There will always be a mask, or a barrier, there will be mistrust and betrayal, backstabbing. All you have is yourself, and we’d have to make do with that. I love the friends I have now, but I know I’ll lose them eventually. I try not to get too attached, but I can’t help but expect certain things from them. Forever is overrated. The word is used too often. Sometimes I want to just give up and say “FUCK THIS, who needs friends?!”. But we all do (:

I don’t know how to explain this, but I’m the sort of person who’d sit and wait for things to happen. I know its terrible, but I can’t help it. If I fall out with a friend, I’ll just shrug it off and say ‘meh, its about time it happened, we can’t stay friends forever, right?’ WRONG. I need to make a better effort in keeping in touch with people, but I don’t know where to start.

Eg. I don’t talk to Dee and Linda anymore, and I’m still sharing (more like abandoned ><) this blog with Dee. I don't say hi to some people in school anymore, people I used to be close to. I'm probably being seen as really rude, or too proud or some shit. But, gosh, I don't know how to explain it hey. I really don't know whats gotten into me. Its not like I'm soooo busy that I don't even have to time to drop a hi every now and then. I've just let go. Given up completely. Its as though I’m simply tired of being.. of being. I want to curl up under my blanket and disappear. No commitments, no expectations, nothing.

I’m tired. I want everything to end already.

Everyone, I’m sorry for not keeping in touch. I hope things haven’t gone past the point of fixing.

Oh, and Dee! I just remembered that you have a tumblr after I saw it in your twitter on the sidebar T_T. I shall follow you nows (:

-soph